fysigunkus | jay hathaway dot com

Every Easter, stores face an invasion of colorful, bird-shaped globs of sugar and corn syrup. The street name for this junk is usually “Peeps.” According to London-based comix genius Jamie McKelvie, they’re “so very American.” This just confirms what I’ve always suspected: Peeps aren’t actually food, and people in other countries think it’s absurd that we’d even consider eating them.

That might explain the prevalence of the exciting sport of Peep Jousting. The contenders are indigestible marshmallow birds, and the weapons are toothpicks. All by itself, that wouldn’t be too exciting. It’s the arena that adds that extra bit of pizzazz (and exploding Peep guts) – they fight in the microwave.

This is a Peep battle I staged with a lot of help from my friend Alexis. We found some off-brand Peeps on a deep after-Easter discount at the local Rite Aid. Although they proved less effective than the regular kind, they sure looked a lot creepier. A quick note before you watch: Doctor Popular saw this video and came up with a completely different soundtrack for it, which you should definitely check out as inspiration for your own Peep joust.

Setting this up is really easy. All you have to do is stick the toothpick lances into your Peeps and point them at each other. Turn on the microwave and watch them expand until one gets stabbed and goes boom. Doc Pop also filled me in on some Peep enhancements for bigger and better microwave pyrotechnics. You can try fighting your Peeps on top of a CD, adding some aluminum foil to the ends of their weapons, or stuffing them with grapes.

Go out and buy up some of these abominable crimes against nature cute marshmallow treats before they’re all gone. They’re no good for eating, but they make a great way to kill an afternoon.